On May 7, 2011, the past four years of my medical education culminated in receiving a formal degree attesting to my capacity to be a doctor. Medical school consists of a group of extremely focused individuals who are, for the most part, certain in and of their paths, who know exactly where life will lead them, and who are confident in their medical futures. Yet, here I remain, still uncertain as to what it means, this becoming and being a physician.

Initially so excited about graduating, residency now approaches at an alarming rate. How am I qualified to practice medicine? How will I manage the care of a patient? One might assume that after being publicly indoctrinated into the medical profession, my excitement and confidence would only grow. For a freshly minted physician, however, the M.D. is a dichotomy, instilling great pride, while imparting the weight of great responsibility upon its master. It is a title that causes people to take you far more seriously than you ever took yourself.

Today I write to you as a physician and I will sign this article with the degree behind my name. But labeling me a physician seems premature. A doctor in name only, I feel as though this title requires further cultivation. My attitude leaves little to the imagination; I am unequivocally anxious to begin residency. Physicians require confidence, but it must be measured with appropriate uncertainty, as doubt motivates us to question our skills and maintain accurate and up to date knowledge. It is a balance I have yet to discover.

As first year medical students we received a lecture from a physician-ethicist who recommended a book that has become a personal favorite. Sophie's World discusses the concept wisdom and how one becomes a true philosopher. The main character ultimately arrives at the conclusion that a true philosopher is a questioner, a perpetual student of life. Author, Jostein Gaardner, eloquently writes, "Wisest is she who knows she does not know." I see now that my lack of confidence will improve with every day that I am a physician but that a certain amount of fear and uncertainty are acceptable, and maybe even good. With graduation, I was looking forward to being finished with my formal schooling, but I realize now that, to be a doctor, one must choose also to be a student.

As always, my father's advice resonates with me. "Keep your anxiety in your back pocket," he said, "but don't dwell on it." He reminded me of another anxiety-producing time in my life: learning to ride a bike. He used to hold onto my bike's banana seat and run behind me in order to help maintain my balance. I distinctly recall hollering at him, "Are you still holding on?" He would holler back that, indeed, he was. Then one day, I peered back and realized that I was alone on the bike, pedaling down the street, maintaining my own balance with only his proud gaze following behind…and everything was okay. I was doing just fine. I fell here and there and scraped my knees a few times, but I always got back up, and pretty soon, riding a bike was as natural as breathing.

Doctoring, it seems, is much the same way.

So I leave you with what I know, which is that I don't know much, but that I'm steadfast in my student's mentality to continue learning. Despite my fears, I am excited and committed to caring for my patients the best way I know how, which is to ask questions, admit imperfection, accept doubts as a part of life but not dwell on them, and stay up to date on current medical knowledge. It is so many things, this medical profession of ours, and I don't think one lifetime is enough to become practiced in it. I know that Dr. Mohr, Sr. will not always be available to hold my hand as I learn the tricks of his trade. Even then, he has taught me that despite apprehension and mistakes that will inevitably occur, perseverance, a sense of humor, and a little assistance from a helping hand are all that are necessary to not only ride a bike, but to achieve any number of goals.

Catie Mohr, MD
House Officer 1
University of Nebraska Medical Center

Dr. Mohr begins her internship in internal medicine at UNMC in July.